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Rozanne Paxman
The Mind-Reading Device
Attention, shoppers! Today I interrupt our usual Muse Channel to inform you about the greatest discovery that has ever been discovered. It is such a big discovery that the discoverer will likely be listed on page one of The Big Book of Big Discoverers Who Discovered Big Discoveries.
What is this big discovery, you ask? Why, I will tell you now. The discovery is so amazing that you would never think of it, not in a million years. And I know you would never think of it because I can read your minds to know what you do (or will) think.
Yes, it's true. I can read your minds.
How can I read your minds?
It's simple, really. I am using the aforementioned discovery, which is... (drum roll) ...a mind-reading device which has appropriately been named The Mind-Reading Device.
But before I tell you about this ground-breaking discovery, I will first tell you how it was discovered that a mind-reading device would be something worth discovering.
One dark January day, the discoverer of said device – The Mind-Reading Device – was sitting at his computer, quietly minding his own business, when it came to his attention that someone was spreading ugly rumors, claiming that his thoughts on a certain subject were unsuitable.
The discoverer — we shall call him Ed — thought to himself (as this is the usual way thinking is done), "How odd that this person should think I think that. I've never thought that thought in my entire life. Why, I've never even thought that someone might think I would have that thought!"
The thought that someone could think he would think that way sent Ed's mind into a mind-snarl that resembled a yarn store following the release of a basketful of angry, hungry cats in its aisles. The more Ed thought about the person who thought the bad things about his thoughts, the more knotted his brain became.
Finally, after thinking about the person who thought he knew what he thought, Ed realized that he had to do something to rescue himself. He had to discover a method whereby he could read the thoughts of the person who thought they knew what he was thinking. He had to invent a mind-reading device.
"I know exactly how it will work," Ed said out loud (because he was tired of thinking to himself). "There will be a device that looks very much like an MP3 player. The user of the device – the potential mind-reader – will then wear special earbuds that will retrieve the thoughts of the victim... ehmmmm... I mean, the target... via super-sonic-micro-particle-itty-bitty-teeny-tiny mini-waves that slip into the victim's... ehmmm... I mean, target's tear ducts. It will then pull all of their thoughts out of their brains and send them back to the device. The device then unscrambles the unintelligent thoughts, translates them into intelligent thoughts, and the mind-reader enjoys having a one-up moment because they know for certain that their thoughts are better than the victim's... ehmmmm... I mean, target's thoughts."
Satisfied with his brilliance, Ed grinned the wicked grin that only someone who is clever enough to discover how to read minds can grin. Ed grinned the kind of a grin that causes small children to shriek with terror, dogs to howl at the moon and bats to fly into gas station windows. Ed grinned the kind of grin that makes daises lose their petals, sidewalks crack and scarecrows lose their scare. Ed grinned the kind of grin that tends to get stuck on the grinner's face.
Once Ed had recovered from his grin (because a grin like that tends to make the grinner slightly unsteady on their feet), he hired a patent lawyer, met with a secret panel of secret investors known for financing super-secret inventions such as Ed's, and before you know it, Ed had launched the mind-reading device onto an unsuspecting world of potential victims... ehmmmm... I mean, targets. Until now. Before this very moment The Mind-Reading Device was only available to a very small, ultra-little, super-select portion of the population. You know the type I mean, right? Yeah... them... the mega-super-supremo-trillionaire types.
Those guys.
Until this very moment, The Mind-Reading Device was only available to people who could afford to pay for it.
But not now. I have some to share with you. You see, I recently received a box full of the things. It was shipped to me by an anonymous donor who felt I had a particular need to read minds so I can stop saying things that people don't agree with. The anonymous donor who sent the box to me anonymously suggested in the attached note (which mysteriously was spelled out with letters cut from newspapers) that if I started reading minds, I might discover that I am wrong most of the time about most things. The discovery that I am wrong most of the time about most things will prevent me from thinking and saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
So what was I to do? I put the earbuds in my ears, turned on The Mind-Reading Device and waited for some unsuspecting victim... ehmmm... I mean, target to walk by.
I guess my particular device was slightly buggy because instead of hearing the thoughts of just one victim... ehmmm... I mean, target, I heard thoughts coming to me from around the whole world. I heard New York thoughts, San Francisco thoughts, Texas thoughts, and thoughts from France. I heard Australian thoughts, Tahiti thoughts, and thoughts from Eskimos. I heard lots and lots and lots of thoughts.
The sound was deafening.
Because I already have too many thoughts of my own, my brain quickly became so snarled that I felt like a box of angry cats was running through my mind with balls of yarn they had stolen from a knitting shop.
So now the opportunity to read minds is YOURS! You can have your very own mind-reading device! Yes, indeed. I have some devices here... in my office... in a box. I'll share them with you. You can have The Mind-Reading Device without charge as long as you are willing to sign a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, ultra-little 1,257-page contract absolving me from all blame if you do something crazy after you hear some thoughts that you were not meant to know the thinker was thinking.
So get your mind-reading device today! If you get one and if I get brave enough to try mine again, we can all read each other's minds and nobody will ever think that someone thinks something that they don't actually think again. We will have world peace... or Armageddon... depending upon what everyone thinks about.
- Ro
Muse: To be absorbed in one's thoughts; engage in meditation. Not intended to solve the world's problems, another person's problems, or to cover topics completely. One does not have to agree with musings to enjoy them, just as one does not have to be the same as someone else to appreciate who they are.
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