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Note from Ro: This is a muse I published before I lost my father. As I read through it, I was struck again by how my father's wisdom was short, to the point and, generally, right. Miss you, Dad.
Ro Paxman
If You Can't Walk, Crawl
Sitting in the half-dark room, I confided in my mother and father that I felt like a failure. I couldn't measure up to the expectations life had for me.
- I had four young children and I found myself racing through the day trying to meet their needs.
- Our particular family's needs required that I contribute financially so we could keep afloat.
- A number of our children had disabilities and trying to figure out how to help them was taxing.
- I struggled with physical challenges and found myself facing major surgeries every 18 months to two years.
- I longed to serve and lift others who needed support.
- I needed to have time away from my burdens, in activities that lifted my spirits. However, I was finding it difficult to manage the time requirements of preparing for these activities.
- My mother and grandmother always made homemade bread. They bottled fruit, quilted, and sewed their children's clothing. I felt uncomfortable that I couldn't squeeze these activities into my days.
- I carried significant church service responsibilities and wanted to do as well as I could with these positions, as I love to serve the Lord.
My list went on and on and as I talked, tears streamed down my face. My chest felt heavy and I supposed I would never measure up.
Once I had finished, my dad quietly said, "Rozanne, do not try to run faster than you are able."
It was classic Dad-wisdom gleaned from years of studying scripture. Not one for many words, when he had some advice for you, it was usually well said and directly on target.
I knew he was right. I was trying to run faster than I was able to.
I have since heard it said that you can do many things in this life, but you can't do them all at once. Every life stage has its own requirements and it is up to us to decide what is the most important for us to do at any given moment. While we are deciding, we need to be careful that we balance the following needs:
When I look back on that time, I can see that the pressure I experienced was self-imposed largely because I believed I was being judged by other people. I also thought that if I didn't scurry about filling every waking moment with superb activities, I was failing my God. I knew that He had given me great gifts and believed that He wished me to use them, but I failed to understand that He didn't expect me to use them all at one time.
It has been nearly fifteen years since my father told me to only run as fast as I am able. I periodically forget his advice and when I do, I find myself frantic and downhearted. But the words come back to me and I say again, "Thanks, Dad. You’re right. Only run as fast as I can."
Through the years, I have discovered that even though it might appear at any given moment that I am not accomplishing very much, in hindsight I have accomplished a lot. I've been able to play solos with orchestras, direct professional theatre, teach school and maintain a large, successful private music studio, home school my children for a number of years, take vacations, paint and draw, teach church classes, publish several books, work in exciting positions for large companies, run my own business, and yes, even make homemade bread.
But, I did not do it all at once. I've been married for 31 years and all of these activities – and more – have been dribbled throughout the years of my life in a measured way. It is only upon reflection that I can see how much I have been able to complete despite the periods of time when all I could manage was a slow crawl.
If you happen to be someone who feels torn by life and the things you feel you must do, I would advise you to take a breath and try to understand that as long as you are doing the best you can in any given moment, it is enough.
Until tomorrow, I will do the best I can today. I'll meet with you then my dear readers.
- Ro
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Muse: To be absorbed in one's thoughts; engage in meditation. Not intended to solve the world's problems, another person's problems, or to cover topics completely. One does not have to agree with musings to enjoy them, just as one does not have to be the same as someone else to appreciate who they are.
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